Accolades to All

Congratulations from the deepest corners of my hearts. You've all done very well to land such an honor as the person of the year. I am truly and utterly blown away by the dedication and care you have demonstrated in your painstakingly original and bold work. Have you changed the world? I believe you have, and I couldn't be more proud of you. And don't be so humble! Be proud of yourself, give yourself a standing ovation, shout to the heavens the name of this angel, this wonderful animal, this destroyer of worlds! You are Harry Fucking Potter!

But in retrospect, maybe I should have done more. Doesn't your victory merely showcase my inability to rise above you all? You all beat me, destroyed me, took my efforts, my goals and shat on them and then rubbed the putrid things in my face. My face! O, what abjection, what sorrowful pity! This is not only lowest hour, but my coldest, darkest, most terrifyingly hopeless hour. I fucking hate you all.

But enough of my squalid wallowing. It is a time for celebration, for I have recently become the smartest man on the face of this round globe we call mother planet Earth. Following my smartening I spiraled into an unbridled rage wherein I begat several smaller versions of myself. Together we will create a small government with such brilliant ideas and simple means for world-wide peace the world will become united under our cotton fist. Then we as a planet will be able to focus on other things like exploring the universe and also our feelings. Please remember this when you are voting in the next election. Spread the word and stay healthy.

Yours truly,
Scrumptious