A cyanide-laced love letter delivered with a smile.
A broken display of hope, a valiant effort all the while.
Tears drowning razorblades again, the dead scent of my heart burns the eyes and throat of this abject work of art.
I can't remember the last time you listened to my dreams, but I will continue to soar above the screams.
Piercing blood through my hands, saving each drop for you.
I'd take a million more shots, just to make it true.
I can hear the aching inside your voice.
I can see you're shaking, inside you've lost.
This crystal lattice of razorwire tears through my clouded vision, like novocaine it numbs my senses.
My blinded eyes and deafened ears still know you're here, and my fractured heart bleeds cinders.
I now have the strength to finally open my eyes, I'm safe in this suicide.
I feel the sweet surrender of the truth, can't you?
I'd never say good-bye forever to save my life.
I'm dying inside.

Blueprint for a White Dwarf (man, I should name my blog that)

As I wrote down these wooden, empty words, I thought of what yesterday really meant, shattered my heart. And I took a broken mirror, cleaned the shards, polished the grain, and set it beside me, while writing. But nobody stared back, not even my reflection in the wood. You would have seen my anguish, you would have sat beside me, stared back, kissed my melting smile. I watched the stars tonight, my dear, the one we named Blind. He traveled backwards across the sky, shattered my heart. He could not see his way, and he died as he crashed into his father, and I screamed "why?" But nobody answered, not even the whispering of the wind. You would have heard my anguish, you would have silently answered, kissed my melting smile. This pen, it gets heavier each time I try to let go. This paper, it tears more each time I try to write a word. The loneliness of days, the pointlessness of speech, the forgetfulness of thought, I crumble as I try to end this and leave. Oh, I would do it all again. Wouldn't I?

Who the fuck reads my journal that matters?

Odd Project is the best band you will ever hear. Assuming you'll listen to them.


black lines where your eyes used to shine. cross our hearts, we're sippin' shots of cyanide. kiss my lips and taste this, this suicide. we sleep with the enemy and kill what we love. cursed with the gift of beauty. you weild it like its... a loaded gun. so lets burn our bridges before they're built. never say "i love you" till blood is spilt.
choke on my name... as you whisper. can you taste the blood on your lips as the syllables slit your throat.

you say that im everything that you want...well im everything that you hate, and it goes unsaid.
the way you whispered, you lied. you always lie to me again.

with these broken windows and these tear stained lies i wont be sleeping alone tonight.
but we tried... we tried so hard...

so explain this time with the barrel of a gun down your fucking throat.
i said i loved you, but now you make me choke on my words.


I haven't even heard that song, but I know I will love it because the lyrics are fucking awesome. Oh, and it's by fucking Odd Project.

Listen to "A Hero's Trial." You'll believe me.

So, do people even read this thing anymore? I mean, seriously. If anybody does, they should post CRAZY comments all the time. All the fucking time. I'm sure my blog isn't actually a popular hit, because it's not very interesting, for the most part. I don't write what I do, I don't write how I do, I don't write where I do, or any of that stuff. I don't make fun of people, don't talk about hating people. Only sometimes about hating what people do.

NP - Blind Guardian - Punishment Divine.

I plan to make this entry long enough to tell you at least three songs I have on my playlist. Don't worry, it's on random, so you won't just get three Blind Guardian songs. I am on my brand new computer right now, it's awful cool. It's got an LCD monitor, which is cool, because my desk is goddamn small. Although, the clarity isn't as wonderful as one of those huge monsters that most people have. It's a little splotchy. Basically, its like a laptop screen, only it doesn't go way out of color when you look at it from an odd angle. My computer has a DVD player, and I got one of the new ASUS GeForce FX 5800 cards for super resolutions and to make sure I will be able to play games such as Half-Life 2, Deus Ex 2, Doom 3, etc. Everything's a damn sequel. When will they make another original game that's actually good? Anyway, the card has a TV out, so that's good, I can just watch DVDs on the tele. I have a wireless mouse/keyboard setup, and a surround sound system, but it picks up the movements of the mouse and stuff sometimes and you can hear the crackling on the speakers often. It's not too bad though. Pretty nice setup. I still have an actual audigy card coming in the mail sometime soon, though. I'm just running through the intergrated sound thing on the motherboard right now, which isn't that great.

NP - Dream Theatre - 6:00

[ignore all this]Oh, that reminds me, I would like to know if the Dream Theatre ticket orderers ordered a ticket for Doug, because he's not going. And if you ordered a ticket for him, he said I could have it. I'll pay for it, no problem. However, he made it sound like he didn't think you ordered him one, because he said he couldn't go. But Josh said that he thought that they did order him one, but wasn't going. But Josh wasn't in charge of the tickets, so I'm assuming either Carlton or Tyler were in charge, so I need to find out from one of them. With my luck, I probably won't be getting a ticket, but I'd really love to go.[/I'm not going]

First day of my job with Tom today. It's a pretty good job, I don't have to deal with people, we work at our own pace, don't have any bosses or anything yelling at us. The guy, George, that works above us, seems pretty cool. He says we just need to get ourselves a copy of the key, and then we can work, whenever. We just wash boats and such, keep stuff clean. I'm sure by the end of the summer, we'll be way ahead of schedule. He said we caught up 5 weeks of work just today. So that's pretty great. Tom isn't sure if he likes the job yet. He wasn't expecting hard labor, or something, he said. It's really not that bad. Eight dollars an hour (I think). It'll be a good summer job.

NP - Refused - The Refused Party Programme

Man, I love Refused. You know who has really good lyrics? Hopesfall. I was just reading a bunch of them last night. I never really read their lyrics before, but they're really good. Check this out:

lies i've deceived myself in this hour of solitude... through the breaking of love and spirit these words were spit from my mouth the bitterness poured from deep within my heart only to stain and harden my skin erasing the compassion... and ripping the joy from inside of me... let me go trying to rid myself of this frame. wash it from my eyes all the sad goodbyes make me feel again leave me here to reconcile these unfinished plans... love broke me trials are in vain i press on not knowing what there is to gain in all that i've failed, i have come to realize Your truth shines through the pain

Also, I really like the Bright Eyes lyrics off of Fevers and Mirrors. I want to buy that cd so badly. I need to get to a cd store quickly. I also want Converge - Petitioning and Empty Sky, and Muse - The Origin of Symmetry. Bright Eyes lyrics:

At the center of the world there is a statue of a girl. She is standing near a well with a bucket bare and dry. I went and looked her in the eyes and she turned me into sand. This clumsy form that I despise scattered easy in her hand. And it came to rest upon a beach, with a million others there. We sat and waited for the sea to stretch out so that we could disappear into the endlessness of blue, into the horror of the truth. We are far less than we knew. Yes, we are far less than we knew but we knew what we could taste. Girls found honey to drench our hands. Men cut marble to mark our graves. Saying that we will need something to remind us of all the sweetness that has passed through us (fresh sangria and lemon tea). The priests dressed children for a choir (white-robed small voices praise Him) but found no joy in what was sung. The funeral had begun in the middle of the day when you drive home to your place from that job that makes you sleep back to the thoughts that keep you awake long after night has come to claim any light that still remains in the corner of the frame that you put around her face. Two pills just weren’t’ enough. The alarm clock is going off but you are not waking up. This isn’t happening. It is.

NP - Odd Project - Je t'Adore.

That one's for you.

NP - Echo and the Bunnymen - Nothing Lasts Forever

"All the shadows and the pain are coming to you."